Through my eyes, dear friend...
Repeating the phrase ‘I am worthy of self-love and kindness’ sure doesn’t cut and hurt with the unbearable pain that repeating ‘I am fat and disgusting’ does it?
“I AM DISGUSTING”
It's a common phrase I've heard you utter, my friend.
When I do, my thoughts turn to things like, "oh my gosh, she turns into a slime monster at night, a murderer, she’s done an act so despicable that it can’t even be spoken of?" as I attempt to figure out what terrible thing you could have done to deserve such harsh words.
“What?? No, you’re not? Why, what has happened?” I ask.
“I just feel so FAT” you reply.
I feel relief but also compassion because I’ve been there. The word fat was said with such venom that it made my stomach constrict with thoughts of sadness and pain.
I know how you were feeling because I’d repeated those two sentences to myself so many times in the past.
But I have some things I want you to know.
Through my eyes, you need fear no negative judgment. You are not disgusting.
By definition, the word disgusting means; arousing revulsion or strong indignation. I do not walk into a room and walk back out at the sheer sight of you. I do not feel sickness in the pit of my stomach when I lay my eyes on you. Therefore, you cannot be disgusting.
But my opinion doesn’t matter. I mean that. Only yours does.
FAT? Now theres a word that I would repeat in my head over and over again, much like you do.
I attached so much negativity to that three letter word and I used it as a weapon against myself to break me down. I succeeded most days. BUT who wins when we do that?
Does calling yourself fat and disgusting make you feel any better about yourself?
If I sat on your shoulder all day long and whispered those two words into your ear on repeat or at every meal…. “fat, disgusting, you are fat and disgusting”…… I’d be done for bullying and harassment. The only escape you would have would be when you went home at night and I could no longer be sat on your shoulder.
I understand. I know that when we have such negative thoughts and repeat them to ourselves it hurts. We don’t get to go home and shut the door do we? We can’t escape our own bullying and harassment.
In fact, when the door is shut I argue without the distraction, the whispers turn into shouts, shouts so loud that we actively seek distraction from those thoughts rather than addressing them.
It’s painful to address something that you have said to yourself for years right? Distraction is much easier.
Food? Your phone? Social media? A trip to the gym to punish yourself? Alcohol? Just being with others?
The complete inability to sit alone, in silence and recognize how harmful they are? When being alone and giving yourself the time to address those nasty thoughts is all you actually need to do right now? You’re just delaying the process by distracting yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I suspect all of these distractions actively trigger those thoughts again.
You go to bed exhausted, maybe some days you're not as ‘disgusting’ as other because you have followed the ‘rules’ of a diet or are back to ‘healthy eating’ and therefore feel like you are being ‘good’ and worthy of praise and love.
But if it's not the fear of the negative thoughts you run from, it's the fear of failing at another diet, right? Or fear of food? Fear of judgment from others? Fear of not being accepted because you’re just too ‘fat’ and ‘disgusting’.
But I want you to know that I SEE YOU. I see how kind you are to others, I see how you have the ability to makes others laugh and I want you to know that YOU ARE ENOUGH. We are all ENOUGH, and that really is ENOUGH.
I know that it’s hard to see that you are worthy of self-love, kindness, and compassion. But repeating the phrase ‘I am worthy of self-love and kindness’ sure doesn’t cut and hurt with unbearable pain in the way repeating ‘I am fat and disgusting’ does.
So trust me on this one. Tell yourself what you NEED to hear, what deep deep down inside you know you deserve to hear. You deserve unconditional love.
Stop attaching conditions to that love. Stop saying ‘If I was skinnier I could love myself’ or ‘If I follow this diet I can love myself, ‘If I go to the gym EVERY DAY I will love myself', ‘If I never eat a carb again, I WILL love myself’.
What happens when you get to live in a body that the world deems to be socially PERFECT. Conveniently I wrote a blog on this too. (LINK: https://www.cognitiveeatingacademy.com/blog/lazy)
In short, you still don’t LOVE yourself because the packaging you are wrapped in is irrelevant when you haven’t learned to LOVE yourself without condition.
I see you, maybe thats scary in itself? But unfortunately or fortunately for you, I want to be your friend and I see your kindness, your compassion and your love for others. I invite you to see it to?
Finally, what would you say to me if I told you that I lived with those thoughts for years? I already know, you’d tell me that I am absolutely categorically wrong. SO, be your own friend would you?
Try it ‘I am worthy of self-love and kindness'.
It’s hard work to tap into that rational side of the brain. To retrain those mean thoughts and say ‘no thanks, not today, I am worthy of self love and kindness’.
YOU GOT THIS GIRL.
E-CET helps me every single day. If I hear those thoughts, I now have strategies that help me shift or sit with them. Something that once upon a time would have terrified me. I am slowly shifting that fear, because that shift allows for more feelings of unconditional self-love. <3
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hollie is a single mum to a lovely little girl. She is from England and recently moved to Cyprus. Having promoted ‘healthy’ eating and rigorous training through social media, embarking on fitness regimes and ‘healthy lifestyle changes', she felt very alone and in reality struggled with self-confidence, body image issues, and constant negative self-talk caused predominantly by chasing and maintaining the ‘perfect’ body, through obsessive dieting and exercise. Hollie has now rebuilt her relationship with food and her body through techniques she has learned with E-CET and understands that food shouldn’t come with rules and fears.
She is currently training to be an E-CET Coach and is passionate about helping other women like her understand the reasons behind the obsessive food and exercise thoughts, the binging, overeating, and emotional eating. She wants women everywhere to feel the sigh of relief she felt when she finally threw away the diet plan, took off her smartwatch, and embraced her health on her own terms.
EMBODIED COGNITIVE EATING TRAINING CAN HELP YOU
The Academy is a specialized group coaching course. It combines a wide range of scientifically proven, evidence based modalities into an easy-to-follow step-by-step process that helps you understand why you can't stop eating in ways that don't serve your best interests and how to stop. It has been meticulously crafted and tested for almost three years with one goal in mind - helping you move past all the things that are keeping you stuck repeating the same self-destructive patterns so you can find peace and start living and feeling better.